Why Did This Feel So Wrong But Good? Part 1 — A Survivor’s Journey from Childhood Trauma to Healing

In a powerful episode produced by the Called by God Podcast Channel, hosts Nic and Adnie welcome guest and survivor-advocate Jamie Gadson to share a raw, faith-centered testimony about childhood sexual abuse, the long shadow it casts over self-worth and relationships, and the fragile, often non-linear road toward healing. Jamie’s story is not only a personal testimony; it is a pastoral, practical message for Christians and survivors of domestic and sexual violence about confronting shame, navigating church responses, and seeking help that actually heals.

Outline

• Early life and the onset of abuse
• How childhood trauma shaped self-image, choices and relationships
• Church culture, public repentance and the difference between repentance and reporting
• Domestic violence, near-fatal violence, and the turning point
• Coping mechanisms, secrecy and sexual addiction
• The role of professional therapy alongside faith
• Practical steps and encouragement for Christians and survivors
• Conclusion and reflections

Early life and the onset of abuse

Jamie’s story begins in a church-centered family. Her father served as a deacon and her mother held leadership roles in the ladies’ committee. Because her family was active in congregational life, the person who harmed Jamie and her two older sisters was someone entrusted by the church community—a 17-year-old who volunteered to watch them.

The abuse began when Jamie was only three years old and continued intermittently for roughly a year to a year and a half. As a small child, Jamie could not fully understand or name what was happening. The abuser had authority to discipline the children, and the power dynamic silenced them through threats and shame: "don't tell anybody or we're going to whoop you." When the family eventually learned that all three daughters had been violated, there was devastation—but no therapeutic intervention or structured recovery support for the children.

The unique vulnerability of very young children

Children’s brains are developing, and the ability to process complex emotional and moral experiences is limited. As Jamie later reflected, a three-year-old attempting to recreate or make sense of sexualized touch is not exercising mature choice—she is responding to an experience in the only way she can, sometimes by drawing private comfort from the very sensations that harmed her.

How childhood trauma shaped self-image, choices and relationships

Without counseling or trauma-informed support, Jamie internalized shame and confusion. She described a pattern that is common among survivors: having experiences that felt pleasurable to the body but morally wrong to the mind. The result was intense secrecy, low self-esteem and a pattern of poor relational choices.

"It kind of put me on a trajectory towards sexual addiction as a child... It was something done in secrecy, like an obsession of watching porn and masturbation."

Jamie explained that the dynamics of shame and secrecy created cognitive misbeliefs: if she was not worth protection or love, then the people she chose to attach to in adolescence and early adulthood often reflected that expectation. Friends and romantic partners did not always value her; some were abusive or neglectful. Low self-worth made wise selection of friends and partners difficult, and that pattern often repeated.

Church response, public repentance and the difference between repentance and reporting

Because the family and congregation were closely connected, Jamie continued attending church even while struggling. When she became pregnant as a college student, leadership pressured her to publicly stand before the congregation and officially "repent." That church-mandated confession felt, to Jamie, more like a public performance than a true call to private repentance.

"I was like, 'I don't have to repent for you. That's about a relationship between me and my God.'"

Her resistance sparked tensions in the church. Jamie’s decision to question scriptures and practices—especially as an informed Bible reader—further isolated her from church leadership who expected compliance rather than dialogue.

Repentance versus reporting

One of the important distinctions raised in Jamie’s testimony is the difference between repentance and reporting. Repentance is a personal, spiritual act between an individual and God. Reporting is a safety measure that protects individuals and communities from ongoing harm. When congregational leaders used repentance as a way to manage reputation rather than to facilitate healing and accountability, survivors were harmed, silenced and re-victimized. Church communities must learn to hold both the spiritual work of repentance and the practical responsibility of reporting abusers to appropriate authorities.

Domestic violence and a near-fatal turning point

Jamie described subsequent domestic violence in a relationship that culminated in a near-fatal attack. She survived violent abuse and trauma that required emergency intervention and hospitalization. The physical danger forced a breaking point: after an attempt to kill her left her unable to function, therapy became necessary not just for mental health but for basic survival.

The moment her children found her body and her oldest son resuscitated her is a poignant testimony to God’s providence and the terrible cost of unchecked abuse. From a pastoral perspective, this portion of Jamie’s story underscores how domestic violence often escalates and why early intervention, safe reporting and community protection are non-negotiable.

Coping mechanisms, secrecy and sexual addiction

Jamie candidly details the coping strategies she used: private sexual behaviors, pornography, masturbation, and obsessive secrecy that provided a temporary relief while reinforcing shame.

"It became my friend. It was my crutch. It was my pacifier... If I'm happy, it's something I did. If I was bored, it was something I did."

These behaviors can be misunderstood in religious communities as mere moral failings rather than symptoms of deep wounds. Jamie’s experience demonstrates how sexualized compulsivity can be a maladaptive attempt to self-soothe—a pattern rooted in early abuse and reinforced by secrecy.

The role of professional therapy alongside faith

Jamie did not receive trauma therapy until her thirties, after the violent domestic incident made it impossible to function. Once she began therapy—years of counseling, both individual and family sessions—she started connecting the dots: the childhood abuse, the secrecy, the relational patterns, and the sexual compulsivity all traced back to the early trauma.

This realization was not a rejection of faith. Instead, therapy complemented her spiritual life. Professional therapy helped translate spiritual truths into psychological tools and practical interventions. It allowed Jamie to address the cognitive distortions that had persisted for decades and to reframe her story in a way that enabled healing.

Why therapy is not a sign of weak faith

For many Christians and survivors, therapy can feel stigmatized. Jamie’s testimony counters that stigma. Therapy helped her understand how a three-year-old brain responded to abuse, how those responses shaped adult behavior, and how recovery required both spiritual surrender and clinical assistance.

Practical guidance for Christians and survivors

Jamie’s story offers several concrete takeaways for Christians, church leaders, and survivors of domestic or sexual violence:

• Believe survivors and take allegations seriously. Avoid minimizing disclosures as "normal childhood behavior" without proper assessment.
• Separate spiritual repentance from legal reporting. Repentance is personal; reporting and accountability protect the vulnerable and the congregation.
• Encourage and normalize therapy. Mental health treatment is a tool God uses to restore broken minds and lives.
• Create safe pathways for children and families. Train volunteers, mandate background checks, and respond promptly to warning signs.
• Provide pastoral care that coordinates with professional help. Pastors and church workers should know how to refer survivors to trauma-informed clinicians and support services.
• Challenge shame with truth. Teach congregations to replace shame with grace while honoring the need for justice and safety.

Conclusion and reflections

Jamie Gadson’s testimony is a call to the church to be both compassionate and competent. Her life shows how faith and therapy can work together: spiritual truths provide hope and identity in Christ, while trauma-informed care provides tools to repair the brain, rebuild relationships and reclaim agency.

For Christians who are survivors: Jamie’s story reassures you that your faith is not negated by your need for help—God uses physicians, counselors, and honest community to restore what violence has broken. For church leaders: her testimony is a solemn reminder to respond with humility and structures that prioritize safety and healing over reputation.

Jamie’s journey from a three-year-old who could not process what happened to a woman who sought both God and therapy is an invitation: to listen, to believe, and to act. Psalm 34:4, which anchors Jamie, is an apt reminder: when we seek the Lord, He hears us and moves toward deliverance—but He often moves through people, tools and practices He equips His church to steward.

For those who need help right now

• If you are in immediate danger, call your local emergency number now.
• Consider reaching out to a trusted church leader who is known for confidentiality and compassion, and ask them to help you find a trauma-informed counselor.
• If you are a survivor reading this, it is not too late to seek help. Therapy, community support, and faith can coexist to produce healing.

Jamie’s story is continued in the podcast series and it offers a vital, faith-forward perspective for anyone seeking to understand how childhood abuse can distort life and how recovery is possible through both divine and human means.

Called by God Podcast Channel shared Jamie’s powerful testimony to raise awareness, encourage survivors, and challenge church communities to respond differently. For Christians and victims of domestic and sexual violence, her voice is a testament that hurt does not have to be the final word.