Domestic Violence: Why We Must Talk About It

Love is not supposed to leave somebody living in fear. We talk about brotherly love and unconditional love, but those words have to mean something in our homes. A husband abusing his wife is not demonstrating godly love. Neither is a wife abusing her husband.

Yes, men experience domestic violence too. We need to say that plainly, without embarrassment or making somebody feel less of a man for admitting he needs help.

This conversation belongs in the church, in our families, and among people who have never stepped inside a congregation. Abuse does not become acceptable because somebody is married, respected, or carrying a Bible. If we want to offer hope, we have to be willing to tell the truth.

Domestic Violence Is Not Always Visible

When we hear domestic violence, many of us immediately think about bruises. Physical violence is serious, but it is not the only way someone can be harmed.

A person may be suffering deeply while everyone around them thinks the relationship looks fine. That is why awareness has to include more than what we can see.

• Emotional and psychological abuse: intimidation, humiliation, manipulation, and behavior that makes someone afraid to speak honestly.
• Financial abuse: using control over money to restrict a partner’s independence.
• Digital abuse: using technology to monitor, pressure, or control someone, including demanding constant explanations about their location.
• Sexual and physical abuse: violations of a person’s body and safety.

These forms of abuse can overlap. Someone may experience several at once, and controlling behavior can escalate. We should not wait for a visible injury before taking a person seriously.

We also need to correct a common misunderstanding: domestic violence support is not only for physical assault. The National Domestic Violence Hotline, available at 800-799-SAFE (7233), provides support around abusive relationships, including nonphysical abuse. If there is immediate danger, contact emergency services when it is safe to do so.

Men Need Room to Say, “I Am Hurting”

Sometimes we expect men to lead, provide, carry pressure, and somehow never need a place to put that weight down. Then we act surprised when they struggle to tell somebody what is happening.

Being a leader does not mean being beyond pain. Being a husband does not mean you cannot be manipulated, threatened, or abused.

If a man comes forward, our response cannot be laughter or disbelief. He needs the same seriousness and compassion we would want for any person experiencing harm.

And experiencing emotional abuse is not the same thing as having a mental illness. Someone should not have to reach a crisis before being allowed to say, “This is hurting me. I need support.” We need spaces where that honesty is welcomed.

God Can Heal Brokenness, but Brokenness Does Not Excuse Abuse

I know what it means to carry hurt into the way you see other people. Before Christ, I had a bitter view of women. I thought they only wanted to break men’s hearts, use them, and walk away.

That thinking came from a broken place: a broken home, growing up without my father, and wounds I had not understood.

When I obeyed the gospel and became part of the body of Christ, God surrounded me with godly men. Through His Word and those relationships, He began working on areas of my life that needed healing.

That is why I believe so strongly in transformation. But we have to be clear: understanding somebody’s wounds does not excuse the harm they cause. We all need Jesus, and someone experiencing abuse also deserves safety, practical support, and people willing to listen.

The Church Must Become a Safe Place to Speak

What can the church do about domestic violence? First, talk about it.

We make room for many important ministries. Domestic violence awareness deserves intentional attention too. People need to know that this subject is not forbidden and that asking for help will not make them an embarrassment to the congregation.

But awareness alone is not enough. People often stay quiet because they are afraid their suffering will become somebody else’s gossip.

If someone trusts us with something painful, that trust matters. Their story is not material for casual conversation or pillow talk.

A caring church response should include:

• Listening seriously instead of dismissing concerns.
• Protecting privacy rather than spreading personal details.
• Making room for both women and men to seek help.
• Connecting people with appropriate domestic violence support.
• Refusing to protect someone from accountability because of their position.

We cannot help with what remains hidden. But we have a responsibility to become people others can safely approach.

A Religious Title Is Not Proof of Godly Conduct

This gets especially painful when the person causing harm is respected in the church.

In one family experience shared in our conversation, an aunt disclosed inappropriate conduct by a relative who was a minister. She was not believed because of his title. Years later, he apologized, and that acknowledgment meant a great deal to her.

There is room to recognize the importance of that apology while also recognizing how wrong it was to dismiss her in the first place.

The church is a place for people who need Christ, not a gathering of perfect people. But that truth must never become a cover for abuse. A congregation can include sincere believers growing in faith and people using religion to manipulate others.

Jesus’ warning about wolves in Matthew 7:15 reminds us that appearances are not enough. A title cannot replace integrity.

Testimony Builds Hope, and Repentance Requires Change

There is power in hearing someone say, “I went through something painful, and God helped me through it.” Testimony can interrupt the belief that nobody understands or that life will always look this way.

Earlier conversations about domestic violence, including “Enough Is Enough” and “Warning Signs,” brought home how serious this issue is. Some stories were so devastating that the response was tears and prayer, both for the person harmed and for the person who caused the harm to change.

Survivors who choose to share can offer hope. But sharing must remain their choice. Nobody owes a public account of their suffering.

We also believe in mercy. God can change people who have done wrong. Still, repentance cannot mean repeatedly hurting someone and expecting forgiveness to erase the pattern.

Grace does not require pretending the harm never happened. We can pray for an abusive person’s transformation without asking the person harmed to ignore danger. Remorse matters, and so does changed behavior.

Pray With Faith and Offer Practical Help

One story that stays with me involves a woman whose husband was physically abusive. Friends prayed for her, supported her, and helped with her children. During a Bible study, a statement about answering to God for harming His child reached her husband. According to the account shared, the physical violence stopped afterward.

We give God glory for that. Prayer is not something we should take lightly.

But that testimony is not a promise that every situation will change the same way. Prayer should accompany practical support, not replace it.

Someone may be afraid because there are children involved, because their partner pays the bills, or because starting over feels impossible. Our response should be compassion, not judgment.

We need Jesus. We need truth. And we need enough love to stop treating domestic violence like somebody else’s private problem. Let us pray faithfully, listen carefully, and help people reach safety and support.