250. A Father's Wound

0:00 Yeah, it's tough, and fathering while being wounded at the same time. You know I've said this to you before and I want to say it again that when it comes to women being wounded, they know them, sisters, they know how to get together, they know how to get together, they know how to express themselves and what they're going through. And you know this and I know this, that when it comes to men, y'all. So we're diving into part two. Part two is the father's wound, or a father's wound or whatever you want to call it the father's wound, their father's wounds.

0:43 Some have one wound and some have many. Listen, fathers be going through it. Wound. Yeah, so let's talk about it. Let's talk about um. Most fathers are broken um in our father and at the same time, I wanted to talk about that situation Like what do you believe fathers are going through but at the same time, have to be strong enough to father at the same time? There's so much what's a good word so much pressure, right, and I believe I said this before on one of the previous shows that we have. Chris Rock said something that just stays with me. It just it just stays with me and I'm going to paraphrase it.

1:25 He said something to the effect that, you know, only women, children and pets are truly loved and respected on this planet. It's like for a man, a husband or a father. There's so much pressure because if you mess up, you're not even considered a man. That woman can mess up. She's still loved as a woman, whether it's a mother or wife, whatever the case is. And he's basically given like a societal view of it. You know, I'm not quoting him as if he's, you know, on the same par with scripture or anything like that, but there's a lot of truth to what he's saying. There's a tremendous amount of pressure being a father, because you think of the ideals and the concepts of.

2:08 You know, protection, provision. You know, and if you don't do those things, you yourself don't feel like a man. And what, what we find ourselves in. You know, thinking about present day, or you know conditions and how things are. There, things are. There's so many men who didn't have an example of how to provide, how to protect. But, you know, we get into the role of father and then those wounds just compile because you come face to face with real life. You made some choices now, but here it is.

2:49 You're facing a lot of trials and tribulations because I can't afford this, and they're looking at you as well. You should be able to. You're supposed to be the provider. You get what I'm saying, and a lot of times we just, you know, we look at certain things, but that's all across the provider. You get what I'm saying, and a lot of times we just, you know, we look at certain things, but that's all across the board. You're supposed to provide, you know, financially. You're supposed to provide physically, but you're also supposed to provide spiritually, emotionally, mentally. A lot of us, a lot of men, aren't even thinking in terms of spiritually, mentally, you know, and psychologically, you understand what I'm saying, right, and so trying to do that and you yourself having those wounds can really be a problem, not just for the ones who didn't have the example, but for the ones who did have the example.

3:46 Do you get what I'm saying? Wow, yeah, um, I can, I can, I think I can share this. I remember, um, my father and I had we had a. We had a really interesting, interesting relationship, of course, when you, when you're young and you're small and whatnot. You interesting relationship, of course, when you're young and you're small and whatnot. You know everything. Daddy's the best. You know my daddy can beat your daddy. You know your daddy is the Hulk, your daddy is Superman. All that, yeah, and everything was good. I remember some of my earliest fond memories of my father is when he would come in the door, you know acting, and he'd just act like he didn't know I was there.

4:28 So he'd come in and my mom be sitting in the chair, but not not be like this. He'll like telling her to be quiet or not. And then he'll come in the house. You're like, hmm, I wonder where he would call me spoke, you know like that, yeah, and then I just come running from behind the door and then I run and he turned around and I leap into the air and he just catch me and then you know, we just that's, that's how I was in the beginning. Then, of course, you kind of grow up with that Growing up, quite naturally, I want to be like my dad, I want to be like him. I just say dad is everything. Then, you know, you get a little older and at that time he was in the ministry and he answered the call and he started traveling a lot more.

5:09 So he started to be gone a lot. I was in my own ministry with the group at the time called the Four Christian Stars. We started traveling. So he's traveling and I'm traveling, and so there'd be a lot of time, you know, in my teen years, where we'd be hitting and missing Right right, where we really didn't, and there's a little bit of drifting just from the standpoint of us not seeing each other right. There'd be times where it'd probably be like a month before we'd like really actually saw each other Right Right, like he'd be gone off to do a gospel meeting. Each other Right Right, like he'd be gone off to do a gospel meeting. And back in these days, nick, they were like actual gospel meetings from Sunday to Friday, not this little Sunday to Wednesday, mess.

5:54 Right, he'd be Sunday gone preaching, right, and he'd be coming back on Friday, but I'd be leaving on Friday going to sing somewhere, right, and then I wouldn't be coming back on Friday but I'd be leaving on Friday going to sing somewhere, right, and then I wouldn't be getting back till Monday. He'd be gone again, right, going to do another gospel meeting, right, right, right, coming back on Friday, I'd be going to another place on that Friday, you know what I mean. So there's a while there where we kind of drifted a little bit you know nothing serious nothing, you know serious like we were having issues with each other, just drifting because we wouldn't see each other and really the extent of our, our, our relationship at that point was just phone calls.

6:35 He's like, hey, okay, spoke, you doing all right, all right. Got older and we got back closer again because you know, I'm a man, I'm trying to do this thing. I got married, you know, and you know we start learning some things and I love those conversations towards towards the end and of course you know, for those who know, my father passed away in 2002. So towards the end we started having conversations like real deep conversations, yeah, and In these conversations I would learn about some of the things, his wounds that he had to carry, but I didn't know it because I was a kid and you know, back then, our parents, you know that, you know they, certain things, you know they.

7:36 They just kept to themselves, especially men back then. You know you're a man, you handle it, and they kept those things reserved and things of that nature. And it's just good to have these conversations. Listen, I would encourage anybody you still have your grandparents, your parents, living with you talk with them, like, have deep conversations, not the you know, typical high-bye and love you and all that. No, sit down and talk with them and learn you know typical high by and love you and all that. No, sit down and talk with them and learn you know about them. So, yeah, there there were some things that he disclosed in those conversations that I was, that I wasn't necessarily privy to. Now, a lot of it they were. They were you know and when I say they, I'm talking about both him and my mother.

8:17 They were, they felt at the time, doing right by me and my siblings because we were children and so some things they would just hold and reserve, you know, kind of keep reserved to themselves. But learning about some of those wounds helps you to kind of look at them in a different light. Because who is this? This is my father, preacher, man of God. You understand what I'm saying and I'm like, okay, I'm like wow, okay, dad, like you had to carry that, you had to Wow, and I mean you just have. I know I certainly did a deeper appreciation for who he was and what he did and so, yeah, I would certainly just bring that out.

9:01 You know, when we talk about a father's wounds, it's not just those who didn't have the example. And I got to be honest with you my father, he didn't grow up with his biological father, so he, you know, he, he felt a lot of you know those things and you know I grew up with my father so you know it was different for me, but him carrying those wounds and sharing those, sharing that with me, like man, wow, men of God, yeah, you know what I'm saying. They carry, you know, a lot of those wounds. Yeah, it's tough fathering while being wounded at the same time. You know I've said this to you before and I'm going to say it again that when it comes to women being wounded, they know them, sisters, they know how to get together, they know how to get together, they know how to express themselves and what they're going through.

9:47 And you know this and I know this that when it comes to men, we build walls we don't want to share with another brother or what we may be going through, because that brother probably going through the very same thing. But, man, like you said, we are built and taught to be a certain way, like be tough or man up like don't be soft, you're not. So if you hurting ball up, suck it up. You know what I mean. So those things even carry on to adulthood and then so, as an adult, you know, even for myself. So you know, I have my highs and my lows, and I'm going to tell you. I'm going to tell you this I think a lot of men don't want to talk to another brother because they moments and our lows and and some days are better than others.

10:28 But I think what helps me is because I have the foundation in God. But even though that you're a Christian, you still go through stuff, you know. I don't want to paint a picture like, just because you're a Christian, you're not going to be wounded. Just like your dad my dad, since I didn't grow up with my dad my daddy came back in my world before I got married I've forgiven my dad um, currently my, my father and I are building. So like he lost all of those years. He's 87 years old, so my thing is like as an adult, as an adult man to have children I sometimes think about that stuff like man, like what about my daddy was in my life?

11:18 like I told my my dad recently. I said like, hey, you know, I would love you, you know your grandchildren and meet your other son, but you know dad being dad, you know dad's like. He's not really making that connection and I'm talking to, but again I've forgiven him because God would want me to do that. Now, what I would want, see to me. I would really want to talk to him in person. I've had that opportunity. Before my son was born. I went to his country and I visited him and me and him talked, but I went with my wife, so they really really talk like that. But it's some things that I want to talk to him on a personal bit, like one-on-one with my brother and I. But it's not something that gets to me, but it's a thought that comes from time to time.

12:03 And I was like man, it would have been kind of cool for me to have my dad in my life and for him to be around. But I know there are a lot of men that's going through the very same thing. So, while they probably don't have their dads in their life and they be like, oh, he's a deadbeat, because mommy said that he was a deadbeat, well, he may not be the deadbeat. Maybe your mom was saying bad things about him, because there's women like that too. They'd be like oh, your daddy was a deadbeat. Now the dude has some kind of animosity and some hatred in his heart. But until he speaks to his dad he'll really find out the truth. But I think a lot of men go through that self-same thing too. But wounds could come in various ways. You could have psychological wounds. You can have a wound of providing. Some men are not confident.

12:43 Some men are making $10 an hour and they still trying to father just the bare minimum, try to provide for their little ones, and they're like this is not enough. And you got the world Go ahead and I just want to piggyback off what you're saying. And you're immersed in a world, a society that places so much emphasis on being a baller yeah, having a bag, yeah, yeah. So here you are, waking up every day and you know, you listen to this radio show and I don't need no broke man and he can't do nothing. And you know, we have a world now where women can go out there and get it themselves. You understand what I'm saying. So there's a lot there, you know, and here you are trying.

13:23 Right your hardest, yeah, and, and you know, some of them can't even get a job. You know, you said something interesting, nick, that I kind of want to touch on man, you know, with this topic of, you know, fathers with wounds, trying to be the provider, trying to be the protector, trying to be the source, but you're wounded, right. You said a word, vulnerability, and that proves to be tough for men in general, because I hope I'm right with saying I believe I am. I think, by nature we're creatures of power, we're conquerors, right, like you see that even in the physiological makeup, most men are physically stronger than women.

14:11 You know a man, you know we're repetitive, right. That's why we, you know, we dominate in sports and things of that nature and just, just just innate and just in everything, basically, and so we're walking power and I don't think and I'm going to say everybody, not just women, but I think men, even men ourselves we don't understand the difficulty that we have trying to harness and, for lack of a better term, term tame and curve the power. We have to do that every day, you, you get what I'm saying. We have to do it on a daily basis, and so concepts like vulnerability and weakness, that's foreign to us.

14:55 Yeah, yeah, you get what I'm saying, right, that's why we so easily fall into the man up, suck it up, man, you won't cry this, that and the other. And, and you know, you hear, like even now like I trust me, I do believe this Like it's okay for a man to cry, but even now, when you hear something inside a man just be kind of cringing, for a man to cry, you'd be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's okay for a man to cry, but I ain't trying to cry right now. You know they're like, you know this it's just, it's just in us, like so vulnerability and and things of that nature. Let me tell you something.

15:36 That's why, when you look at good God, almighty man, let me tell you something I am always, I will forever, be, amazed at Christ God the son, yeah, going through what he went through, because not only is he a man, he's God. Seriously, bro, like you, put your hand on me one more time. Like you know, I'm thinking, I'm like I can't.

16:16 It blows my mind because I'm like, if that was me, it's over for humanity. It's over for humanity. The angels ain't even got to do it. I'm going. If that was me, it's over for humanity. It's over for humanity. The angels ain't even got to do it. I'm going to do it, you know, but, but, but you know, even in talking about that, right, because you know, and the scripture talks about it, Paul said this you know, you know, speaking of God, my, my strength is made perfect through weakness. Right, that's something that we really got to take a look at as men. When you talk about being a father with wounds and trying to, you know, continue to walk that path, wounded, right, take a really good look at God. And when I say God, I'm talking about God, the father and the son.

16:58 There's not much in scripture that talks about this, but think about this. I think about stuff like this when Christ is on the cross and he knew this, he knew what he had to endure. You talk about wounded. Now, question who is he talking to? Who is Christ talking to? Who's God the son talking to?

17:39 He's talking to watch it, his father. Now, just let your mind think, for a second, scripture doesn't give us much. There's not much I can say on it, but I'm speculating here. God the father. I think there's a wounding there. So when we look at Christ and rightfully so look at him on the cross. He endured all of that. Yes, he did. But what is the father enduring while this is happening. This is the only time and I think I can say this, this is the only time that the father doesn't come and do for his son and talk about wounded right, because and the reason I think I can say that is because I'm trying to imagine myself If my son falls down on the ground and he got a scrape on his knee and he reaching up for me, daddy, guess what daddy going to do?

18:31 He don't even have to reach up for me. I'm already there if I see it and I know it. You understand what I'm saying. When I was, you know, messing up and this, that and the other, my father was right there. Even when my father passed Right and I was messing up and had some things on, my grandfather was right there. You know I had a major issue in my life, you know, at the time, after my father passed away, and the first thing out of my grandfather's mouth you good, do you need money? I'm like no, granddaddy didn't, because, you know, granddaddy was always my bank. Granddaddy, let me hold $50. Granddaddy, let me hold $50. And so you know, I was going through a major transition in my life at the time and my grandfather was like do you need?

19:13 First of all, he wanted to know, was I good? Did anybody anybody tried me? I said, no, I'm good, I'm good. He's like do you need money? I said, uh, no, I'm all right. Do you need money? He's like, you know, I still got. You know, he had property in tampa and he was talking about money, money, right, right, you know, I mean, and I'm like, nah, nah, granddaddy, I'll you know, I I made my bed, I'll handle it, know. But what I'm saying to you is a father and you know these, these concepts that you can't separate from being a father. Provision, you know protection, right, and you know those two concepts my grandfather and father instilled in me.

19:58 They, like you do that. Those two things you don't get away from. You do that. They were doing it. Yeah, my point is they were doing it. It's in them, right, and any man worth his worth, his salt is in him to do that. But here it is, god, the father doesn't do it. You're talking about wounds, yeah, looking at your son on the cross, and you don't do it. The passion of the Christ, mel Gibson, they sensationalized it, but I really like there's this one scene where Christ is on the cross, he gives up the ghost, and then you just there's like a like an aerial view of him, and then you just see like a tear fall from heaven, as if the father let out.

20:41 I was like man. That's a pretty good depiction. Like I said, scripture don't really go into that. Yeah, but that's just me speculating, right, right, right. I'm looking at to me the ultimate father with a wound, looking down at Calvary's cross. Yeah, I like that. I like that. This is the reality, right. Yeah, I like that. I like that. This is the reality, right? The reality is that we're hearing this word more and more often. Mental health um, there's a few NBA players are starting to come out and say, look, I got to take care of my mental, and these are individuals that got children.

21:26 You know what I mean. So it's starting to come out more now. Like people are like people are bringing awareness to it. Like it's okay, it's okay to go see a counselor, it's OK to go talk to somebody about your underlying issues or what you may be going through, and you know, hopefully the men in that space get the help that they need. But everybody go through various different things and I like what you said about the financial piece, because that's what the society is pushing now. Sure, like a woman would say, oh, he better be over six feet and making six figures. He could be a good dude. Yeah, you know what I mean. But tearing the dude down.

22:06 Let me tell you something Women. words are so powerful. A woman could literally tear a man down with her words. Oh yeah, you know, I don't think some women really understand that A man. He could be a decent dude just trying Like I'm going to get it together. I'm going to get together and you may have a woman that lack discernment, lack the knowledge and tear that dude down. The man already going through it, yeah. And he's not emotional. Because you know, we're not like we don't have emotions. We have emotions but we're not at emotional like wow, women are emotional, you know what I mean. But the dude will kind of hold it in and then when it's time for him to express himself, he may express it in a different kind of way.

22:46 It may come in a form of anger going off on somebody because he had that built-in stuff inside of him. And that's the reality. Yeah, where, going back to the base of finances, a man he'd be'd be like man. I'm just trying to provide what I can do for my child. But to me finances is one portion, but also another thing is society has put so much on us where we don't even have the time now to even father our own children. That thing weighs on a good father as well. I can't tell like women. Y'all hear me. I know the dude gotta go out and provide, I know he gotta do this and that, but a father, a good father, that's family orientated, he's always thinking about his wife. He's thinking, and he's thinking about his children Like man.

23:27 How can I find a way to spend time with my children? He's not thinking about oh, I got to get this money, get this money, get this money I provide for you. He's thinking about like man, like I know I got to work but at the same time I want to spend time with my family, so that could be scarring him internally. It's not saying that it's a bad thing that he's working. It's just that. He got to provide, he got to provide. So God has given me the grace, but I know there's other fathers that could have other things going on, because you may have a baby mother, that's you got to pay child support. Sure, he's a Good dude, I get it, I get it, I get it. There are some dads that need to be put on child support. I get it.

24:07 But there's some dudes, fathers, that don't need to be put on child support. This really, it really. It really shows how we all have a responsibility to mature with our thinking and in terms of our growth in these roles God given, roles that we have, right? So what am I really saying here? What am I trying to get at? There's a series about fatherhood, right? So there's. There's, there's a focus on men, fathers, so this series is directed to them, so we need to grow and learn from this. But where the blessing comes into play is when the wife and the mother grows from this too.

24:47 Do you understand what I'm saying? Baby mother, too, it may not be a wife. When the son and the daughter grows from this, too. What am I saying? This is a lesson directed to fathers for men, but mothers and children should be listening to it too, I agree. And then vice versa, yeah, when there's a series for the wife and the mother, yeah, right, it's directed to them, but the father and the husband need to be listening too, and then we all need to grow together in this. Do you understand what I'm saying? Right, it's directed to them, but the father needed and the husband need to be listening to. And then we all need to grow together in this. Do you understand what I'm saying? Right, like the maximum benefit from this lesson.

25:28 If this is a lesson directed to me, I receive it, I get it, I implement it Cool. But then my wife needs to receive it, get it and implement it. But then my wife needs to receive it, get it and implement it Right. And this all points to the idea of community, these divine structures that we'll put into play Husband, wife, children, mother, father you get what I'm saying Children and when that happens, then we can push back against some of that stuff you were enumerating just a few minutes ago. Yeah, okay, we can push back against these of that stuff you were enumerating just a few minutes ago. Yeah, okay, we can push back against these systems, right, yeah, we can help the father who's wounded. Why? Because in this situation, like you said, he's out there, he's making the money, but him being homeless because of that is really taking a toll.

26:19 Taking a toll, oh, yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah. Taking the toll on the son and like daddy, why you always working? Yeah, I want to. I'm gonna hear. You know what I mean. It takes a toll, yeah, oh yeah, you know what I'm saying for another situation, you know where. Listen, uh, this young man had a had a child with this young woman years ago. Let's, uh, let's, let's, let's not fall into the stereotypical situation where he just that and he did that and you make things difficult. Both of them make things difficult, you know, and the child suffers as a result. What I'm saying, instead of approaching it in a godly manner and let's work through this as best we can, right, let's make this amicable and spiritual as best we can.

27:04 Yeah, you get what I'm saying. Whereas in another situation, the father who is wounded because he physically, you know, or I shouldn't say physically, financially is not measuring up. You know, wife, help him, help me. A lot of these women is smarter in most cases, anyway, my wife be helping me. You know what I mean. But I mean, you know, help him. You know, don't talk about him, don't be like the rest of the world and I do bad all by myself. And then men who, that man who's in that situation, don't be so dogmatic that you can't receive the help. Hmm, you understand what I'm saying. I'm telling you like from the man's standpoint again.

27:45 You know, and you know hopefully we get blessed with this Men. You know we got to learn how to handle this power. Yeah, we're walking power. We got to learn how to handle it. We got to learn how to manage it. You know we got to be able to manipulate it. You get what I'm saying. You know why there's a lot of domestic. You know stuff happening and abuse and things of that nature is because a lot of men don't know how to handle the power. Yeah. You get what I'm saying. It's out of control. We don't express enough. When we do, it's an explosion. That's not you handling the power correctly. You get what I'm saying. So I mean all of this is, you know, within the context of you know, being wounded.

28:28 I like what you said. I don't know if it was the previous episode or this episode We've just been talking but you said something. You quoted a Bible verse my strength is made perfect in time of weakness. And I know he was going through what he was going through spiritually. And I think it's still apropos, even to us today, because we go through stuff from a biblical spiritual perspective, because we're Christians, but not everybody's Christians. So at least for us, when we're wounded or we're weak, we know that God's strength manifests. So when people be like man, how you doing all of that? Well, it's not really me. It's really that God is empowering me to do these stuff, but for most men that's not always the case, especially the men that are not in covenant. So I think and maybe this is for the man that's trying to get closer to God, I could speak to them in that regard that we have an outlet because we're Christians Because I'm not trying to paint the picture like Christians got it all perfect, but at least we have an outlet, which is the Father.

29:22 You know, when we're weak, but I think for the unchurched or the man, the Father that's not, don't have a connection or relationship with God this may be his opportunity to get closer to God, because I've spoken with unchurched men and they go through it. But at least for me I could talk to them, but it's only so much I can do. At some point you got to tap on the source, the power, because man, there's only so much that man could do for you and you got to really go back to the father. So I think that's important for even the unbeliever, as they're watching us, to understand that yeah, we go through stuff, but we have an outlet to go to and to that father that on church, you know, might as well, just strive to get closer to Christ, because this world alone will put a weight on you.

30:10 Absolutely. I was going to say there's nothing really more to add to that than other than the fact seek out God. Yeah, because I mean sure, sure, you have your, your, your own other outlets in terms of you know, fellas, who out there, who that I'm speaking of? The unchurched, they, they, they, you know they go through it. They may have them both. They they're boys and man, let's, let's, let's, go hit the club. You know that's, yeah, but yeah, you gotta speak on it. Yeah, that's right. Let's go hit the bar.

30:51 Yeah, you know I think about all the time because you know working with, you know where I work, you know everybody, there is not a Christian or covenant with God, and you know the fellowship between them is man. Let's go hit happy hour, you know, let's, let's go. You, you know, let's go to the establishment where you, where you, where you got something sliding up and down, yeah, yeah but that's a real thing, yeah, and that is yeah, that's their outlet yeah, you have some that ain't even doing, that you know they. they have legit secular things that you know that they do. Yeah, um, that that can bring some, you know, some comfort and some even some earthly wisdom to a certain standpoint. But I would still again, above all that, recommend, you know, to the church, seek out that connection with the father. Yeah, god the father, because there are things that he can do that all other things cannot do.

31:36 So definitely, and again going back to that previous episode, god the Father is the ultimate source, you understand. So you, as a father wounded, dealing with these wounds, trust me, there's no better one to go to than God. Yeah, amen. So that's the conclusion, the end of this episode. So y'all just gonna have to stay tuned to the next episode. Until then, be blessed. Remember that Christ, he is coming back soon, so get ready and be ready. All right, god bless you.